Why Four Rooms Will End in a Blood Bath

For those of you unfamiliar with the throughly entertaining hit TV show Four Rooms, here’s a wikipedia summary:

“Four Rooms is a British television programme aired on Channel 4, in which four dealers in obscure and extraordinary objects try to buy various unique items from members of the public.

The rules of the show state that a seller may enter the four dealer’s rooms in any order but cannot return to a room if they decline the dealer’s offer.”

Now in the first episode of Four Rooms, things were very polite and the dealings were all quite amicable, as shown in these actual screenshots:

Splendid!

Of course there was haggling, but there was a mutual respect between dealer and seller. Neither one pushed the other too far and ultimately they both come away with a good deal. It’s all very nice.

However, nice TV is boring, so obviously Channel 4 decided to spice things up for episode 2. Queue the army of idiots armed with worthless charity shop tat and a severely misplaced sense of value. Idiots such as this guy.

I shall call him Barrence!

Barrence went in only actually wanting £5,000 for his stuffed frog collection. (I know, only) The first two dealers offered him less than £5,000, and he understandably declined. Then the third dealer offered him nearly £6,000 pounds, a full £1,000 more than he wanted! But then came the greed. Barrence turned the offer down, stating that he now wanted £8,000 and believing he could get more from the final dealer, Mr. Jeff Salmon. One short tempered, angry, camp millionaire.

Believe it or not he’s married with kids.

And here are how things roughly unfolded:

Goodbye Barrence!

As the episodes go on, the sellers are getting more and more greedy. They go into Four Rooms with a price in mind, which, when they’re offered it, instantly increases. Two guys went in trying to sell a wall with a Banksy piece on it. They paid £30,000 for it, and were then offered £240,000 by Jeff Salmon. And they turned it down! 

And all the while, the dealers are getting more and more pissed off with the idiots that Channel 4 are supplying that they’ve lost all patience for them. My friend Kyle says it’s because they filmed all the episodes in one day and wouldn’t let the dealers out for breaks until the filming was finished.

They do wear exactly the same clothes every episode…

However, even without conspiracy theories, can you blame them? They see item after item come through their doors, each of which a seller has attached an unrealistic price to, and they have no hope of matching it. Can you imagine the frustration?

Therefore, I present to you my prediction of how the final ever episode of Four Rooms will play out:

Haggle with this mother fucker!

Jeff Salmon, my new role model.

Move over John Wayne.